Unmasking Narcissism
Knowing who you are, gaining discernment regarding blind spots, and identifying your strengths and weaknesses are crucial components for anyone—but particularly important for leadership.
Tools like DiSC, Enneagram, Myers-Briggs, StrengthFinder, and Achiever are not foolproof end-alls, but anything that gives us a bit more insight into who we are, our personalities, and our gifts is, of course, helpful. We are all a complex concoction of genetics, experiences, and attributes.
In my estimation, the most destructive and dangerous attribute for leaders is what C.S. Lewis called “The Great Sin”: Pride—the vice we so dislike in others is the one we least see in ourselves.
And its first cousin is narcissism.
The Roman poet Ovid—writing during the time of Caesar Augustus of Luke 2 fame—retells the myth of a baby born to the loveliest of nymphs. She gave birth to Narcissus, a child so beautiful that one could fall in love with him even as an infant. When consulted as to whether he would live a long life, a seer prophesied that he would “if he does not discover himself”—that is, become consumed with himself.
As a young adult, Narcissus spurned the advances of the nymph Echo—who has her own strange story—and, as Ovid relates it, “he had scorned the other nymphs of the rivers and mountains, so had he scorned the companies of young men.”
Narcissus eventually stumbles across a silver-bright spring and catches his own reflection in the water. He is, of course, smitten with himself, and it ultimately destroys him. Narcissus eventually stumbles across a silver-bright spring and catches his own reflection in the water. He is, of course, smitten with himself, and it ultimately destroys him. The Greek mythographer Conon recorded a more violent version in which Narcissus commits suicide with a sword.
The moral of the story? Narcissism doesn’t end well.
Leaders, beware. Narcissism isn’t just expressed as the loudest, most grandiose voice or the charismatic center of attention.
In his book When Narcissism Comes to the Church, professor and author Chuck DeGroat identifies a more covert narcissist—what he terms The Wallflower. He writes:
“It may be a stretch for some to believe that this personality type may be prone to narcissism. Indeed, the traditional images of narcissism do not quite fit the often reserved, peacemaking demeanor of this person. Once again, we must lean into the more subtle and introverted aspects of vulnerable, covert narcissism. This face of narcissism may be experienced as one who is distant, unempathetic, and passive-aggressive. Though outwardly displaying a calm demeanor, this person conceals an underbelly of anger, a simmering resentment that does not emerge as the challenger’s power or the perfectionist’s critique but as quiet judgmentalism. They secretly long for love and admiration, in the absence of which they may become self-pitying and judgmental. Cut off from their own emotions and primary needs, they can be relationally cold, alienating those closest to them.”
That’s the passive-aggressive narcissist.
Jesus required his disciples to deny themselves and pick up their own instrument of execution if they really wanted to follow him. Crazy? Extreme? Apparently, it’s a serious remedy for our self-obsessed psyches, no matter how we disguise or ignore it. The apostle Paul discovered this transrational key when he declared:
“I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” GALATIANS 2:20
I can’t say I totally understand how to appropriate that level of “faith in the Son of God,” but I can’t deny that I need to move toward it in the healthiest way I can.
This revolutionary tenet of spiritual formation for leaders cannot be overlooked. Difficult? Yes. But the One who demands it is the One who loves us the most.
There must be something to it.
Dave Workman | The Elemental Group
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