All In The Family

I’ve often found an interesting dynamic in conversations with others about Jesus…and it has to do with family systems. 

 

But actually, it’s usually about two family systems. 

In counseling circles, family systems theory explores the critical importance of family dynamics and how it affects our current relationships and view of life. For instance, if your mother was the authoritarian and disciplinarian in your family, it has an effect on how you view the family structure and how it should operate—whether negatively or positively. Our family environments deeply affect how we function in the present along with shaping our paradigm of life.

Likewise with the religious “families” we grew up in: our church cultures.

Let’s explore four hypotheticals…

Alan was raised in a church system that was controlling and painted clearly defined lines of who was in and who was out. These structures may be more fundamentalist or holiness/Pentecostal and stress a “separation approach” to society. Alan now hates the us-and-them worldview and has eschewed any connection with faith.

Janelle grew up in a religious setting that was boring to her. She never really connected with the non-descript and, in her experience, irrelevant meta-message of the church, especially since it didn’t seem to affect the behaviors of her parents as well; it seemed more like duty than lifestyle. She dropped out of the system early in life.

Edward’s childhood was devoid of any religious community experience. His parents were from different religious backgrounds and saw no importance in distilling any spiritual information to him. Instead, they left any exploration of religion up to him. Life has been fairly easy so far, but when the proverbial manure hits the ventilator, Edward may begin a search.

Jane was raised in a fairly healthy church system and seemingly always had a sense of God’s presence and a simple love for Jesus. It is genuine, like her parents’ authentic expressions of their love for God. As an adult, she’s had her share of personal disappointment and failure, but overall she has retained a faith that God is good, forgiving, and deeply interpersonal.

There are, of course, many shades of experiences between these four.

So much is affected by the health of our nuclear family and how it interacts with our “church family”. That means we need to extend empathy when talking with people about Jesus. If we communicate the gospel—the good news—without attempting to understand a person’s context or our own self-awareness and biases, we can overlook the complexities of the human experience…and how people respond.

I think it would be wise as leaders to help our people understand these dynamics. Especially if we want to form them into better inviters and communicators of the Kingdom…along with becoming more whole themselves.

Dave Workman | The Elemental Group

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